Poets’ Corner – a Goodbye from me……

The idea of a “Poets’ Corner” came to me as since early April I had been reading mostly humorous poems to a group of elderly ladies that my husband and transport to their Monday tea club and back.  When we went into lockdown, I said to hubby that I could not see these ladies without contact from us, so every Monday I phone all seven of them up, have a chat and read a poem.  This has been so successful some of them “stand by their phones” every Monday wait for  “the call”
I’m going to let you all see some of the poems I have collected – I do not know who all the authors are (it’s certainly not me!) so there will be a few “Anons”!!
MISSING
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
Anon!
I AM NOT OLD
My eyes are fine; they are just printing words small.
I just use a walking stick to seem stately and tall.
Nothing is wrong with my sense of smell.
My ears are fine if you don’t whisper but yell.
The wrinkles are just laugh lines; they will go away.
It is fashion that has turned my hair from black to grey.
It’s the cold, not age that is stiffening my knees.
I like to hum as I walk; it’s not a wheeze.
What extra kilos? My scale is broken down.
If I try, I can still fit into my wedding gown.
My bones don’t creak; my shoes are new.
My memory is sharp. Oh, do I know you?
Anon
DONALD TRUMP’S COVID 19 CURE  (do you remember this??)
At last, we have a cure for all!
Ailments large and ailments small,
Good health is not beyond my reach,
If I inject myself with bleach.
Radiant, I’ll prance along,
Every trace of limescale gone,
With disinfectant as my friend,
Like him,
I’m clean around the bend.
Anon
SENIOR TRYING TO RESET PASSWORD
(Not a poem, but does it ring a bell with any of you??)
Windows:       Please enter your new password
User:               cabbage
Windows:       Sorry, password must be at least 8 characters long
User:               boiledcabbage
Windows:       Sorry, password must contain one numerical character
User:               1 boiled cabbage
Windows:       Sorry, no blank spaces
User:               50damnboiledcabbages
Windows:       Sorry, password must contain at least one upper case character
User:               50DAMNboiledcabbages
Windows:       Sorry, password cannot use more than one upper case character                                    consecutively
User:               50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssifYouDon’t                                              GiveMeAccessNow!
Windows:       Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation
User:               ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUp
                        YourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
Windows:       Sorry, that password is already in use……………………
With apologies (or not!) to Facebook!!   
THIS LOCKDOWN
This lock-down is getting old and frankly I’ve had enough.
I’ve discussed the matter over a cup of coffee with the kitchen sink, and we both agree that the experience is draining.
I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts the wrong spin on everything.
Same with the fridge. He only gives cold comfort.
I asked the lamp but she couldn’t shed any new light on the situation.
The vacuum cleaner was rather rude and told me to suck it up.
The threshold was no better it suggested I get over it.
The carpet advised me to sweep my feelings under the rug.
But the fan was more upbeat and thought that the crisis would soon blow over.
The toilet looked a bit flushed and didn’t offer an opinion.
The wall didn’t say a word either, just gave me a blank stare.
The door knob was more forthcoming – told me to get a firm grip on the situation and move on.
The front door declared I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to…. you guessed it – pull myself together.
Then the chair told me to table it, and the table remarked I didn’t have a leg to stand on.
When I told the table to break a leg, the mirror said that my comment reflected poorly on my thinking.
However, in the end, the iron straightened things out.
She said everything will be fine… no situation is too pressing for long anyway!!
Anon – but does it resonate with any of you?
SOME FOLKS AS COME TO SUSSEX
Some folks as come to Sussex,
They reckons as they know –
A durn sight better what to do
Than simple folks, like me and you,
Could possibly suppose.

But them as comes to Sussex,
They mustn’t push and shove,
For Sussex will be Sussex,
And Sussex won’t be druv!

Mus Wilfred come to Sussex,
Us heaved a stone at he,
Because he reckoned he could teach
Our Sussex fishers how to reach
The fishes in the sea.

But when he dwelt among us,
Us gave un land and luv,
For Sussex will be Sussex,
And Sussex won’t be druv!

All folks as come to Sussex
Must follow Sussex ways –
And when they’ve larned to know us well,
There’s no place else they’ll wish to dwell
In all their blessed days –

There ant no place like Sussex,
Until ye goos above,
For Sussex will be Sussex,
And Sussex won’t be druv.

W Victor Cook 1914

You must all remember this……
DOMINIC CUMMINGS: THE LOCKDOWN TOUR
He’s been locking down in London,
And a bit in Durham, too.
Not to mention Barnard Castle,
Legoland and Bristol Zoo.
He’s been locking down in Stoke-on-Trent
And Weston-super-Mare.
He’s spread himself quite thin of late.
He’s been spreading everywhere.
He’s been locking down in Basildon,
In Derby, Penge and Rome.
Wherever he lays his beanie hat,
That’s his lockdown home.
He’s more spreadable than margarine.
He’s been spreading far and wide.
He’ll be locking down in your town soon:
Spread the word and stay inside.
Anon
HEALTHCARE HEROES
Corona used to be a beer,
They garnished it with limes,
But now it’s filled the world with fear,
These days are scary times.
Cease from travel, cease from flying,
Shops stripped bare by panic buying,
No shaking hands, no social hugs
They’ve even closed the clubs and pubs.
Keep your distance, stay away,
Now’s not the time for simple play,
Stay indoors, self isolate,
More stringent measures, well they await.
But never fear, for we are here,
Your frontline team, a healthcare dream,
With PPE, gown, gloves, face shields,
Onwards we venture, to the battlefield.
Come on you virus, bring it on,
Do your worst, we’ll take you on,
For we have spirit, compassion and love,
We shall destroy you and rise above.
Months, years from now, you’ll be no more,
A mere memory of what passed through our shore,
Carry on we will, the human race,
Supporting each other, our saving grace.
Another by Mr/Mrs/Ms Anon!
AND FINALLY (THANK GOODNESS I HEAR YOU SAY!
George, Who played with a Dangerous Toy
by Hilaire Belloc
And suffered a Catastrophe of considerable Dimensions.
When George’s Grandmamma was told
That George had been as good as Gold,
She Promised in the Afternoon
To buy him and Immense BALLOON.
And
so she did; but when it came It got into the candle flame,
And being of a dangerous sort
Exploded
with a loud report!
The Lights went out! The Windows broke!
The Room was filled with reeking smoke.
And in the darkness shrieks and yells
Were mingled with Electric Bells,
And falling masonry and groans,
And crunching, as of broken bones,
And dreadful shrieks, when, worse Of all,
The House itself began to fall!
It tottered, shuddering to and fro,
Then crashed into the street below-
Which happened to be Savile Row.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
When Help arrived, among the Dead
Were
Cousin Mary,
Little Fred,
The Footmen
(both of them),
The Groom,
The man that cleaned the Billiard-Room,
The Chaplain, and
The Still-Room Maid.
And I am dreadfully afraid
That Monsieur Champignon, the Chef,
Will now be
permanently deaf-
And both his
Aides
are much the same;
While George, who was in part to blame,
Received, you will regret to hear,
A nasty lump
behind the ear.
MORAL
The moral is that little Boys
Should not be given dangerous Toys.

 

Thank you all for partaking in this special “on-line” event our Chair and all the Committee members of Meridian Mature Citizens Forum sincerely hope to see you all once this dreadful disease has run its course.  Please stay safe, keep to the rules – whatever they may be, and stay strong.

Best wishes

Christine Bowman

Membership Secretary

Meridian Mature Citizens Forum

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